Nope gonna hafta wait. And more rambling.

Well I called my audiologist today and she said I hafta wait the FULL 3 weeks after surgery to be activated. She said that even if I dont feel some of the swelling, it's still there and if I want my activation to go smoothly I will hafta wait. BUMMER. Oh well....I tried. My activation date is exactly 3 weeks to the day after my surgery. I can hardly wait. It kinda feels like bein in a NASCAR race, 3 laps away from the win, and they postpone the end of the race till another day. But I really can't complain. It's only 9 more days.



Keep in mind that I'm not complaining or anything like that. I'm just rambling stray thoughts now.



Oh the world in 9 days. Will it be just the way I remember it?? Will it just be all beeps and clicks till my brain re-learns to hear?? Will it be a combination of the two. Is the world really as noisy as everyone tells me it is?? I so wanna hear my son. Don't get me wrong I want to hear my whole family and actually EVERYTHING in the world. But I have never once heard that boy. My lights would flash in the night-time when he would wake up crying, telling me he needed a bottle. He forms alot of his words now so I can get the jist of what he is saying. I was on cloud nine the first time I saw him say "I lub ewe mommie." Oh but to HEAR him say it. We have alot of silly sayings in our house. Josie is our "June Bug from Buffalo".......and Toby is our "Monkey Man from Alcatraz." They go around the house saying these silly sayings that mommie and daddy have taught them. Silly songs. Silly phrases. Words that we know they cannot possibly pronounce correctly just to see (or in Jay's case hear) what will come out of their mouth when they try. Sometimes Toby's brain will get ahead of his mouth. You can see the wheels in his mind spinning, but all he can do is stand there and say "um um um um um." It is quite comical at times cause he will continue saying "um" until you say "Toby slow down" I see all this daily life around me. Oh how my heart actually aches to HEAR them say these things. To HEAR them say mommie. To HEAR the kids erupt in laughter after someone unexpectedly burps. To hear the kids squeal in delight when we scare them from around the corner of the bedrooms. To hear the sweet nothings whispered in my ear from my hubbie. To hear my guitar again. To finally put a voice to people whom I have met in the last 5 years, but have never heard. To hear a car passing by before I see it. To hear my parents again. To hear the fire whistle from the fire station up the road again.



To hear the quiet again. Ok I may hafta explain that one. There is a difference between quiet and deafness. It's hard to explain, but there is a difference. The only analogies that I can think of is like to me quiet is like when you are in the country, no city noise, no cars. Just muted bugs noise and....well....just quiet. And deafness is being in a place that you know has alot of noise, but you hear nothing. It's really hard for me to explain this. I don't hear the quiet anymore. I just hear deafness. Quiet is enjoyable. Deafness is almost sickening at times. It sometimes feels like everything and everyone in the whole universe is in fast forward, and I am 2 speeds slower than everyone else. You get use to it after awhile. I'm so thankful to God that I wont be as use to it in 9 days. I will still be deaf when I take the external processors off, but it won't be a permanent thing anymore.



This next one might sound alittle morbid, but bear with me. To be able to hear my kids cry. Wether it's cry in joy or pain or sadness. Like when they fall and hurt themselves. I can't run to them to comfort or save them. I have no clue that anything happened till either the other one comes running to me to tell me, or if there is someone else with me to tell me something has happened. This has caused me much heartache as a mother. This point as also made me extremely paranoid. And it may not be obvious to other people, but I always try to have my children within my eye-shot. They are literally never outta my eyesight for more than a couple of moments. The way our house is set up we have 3 steps separating our living room/kitchen area from the rest of our house. Well the way the doors are set up I can be in the kitchen and still see the kids upstairs in the hall and some of the bedroom. With all this in mind there are still times in those couple of moments they are outta my sight that "life happens".......somebody was running one direction but looking another, and forgot that there was a wall there, stuff like that. Unless I feel the thump I have no clue it happened unless someone comes running to me.

MY WORLD WILL CHANGE IN NINE DAYS.

Can you imagine. When I was younger and would play video games, it would drive me NUTS when my mom would make me mute the sound. I mean drive me nuts to the point that I would stop playing the game. Ok I am 31 years old and I LOVE my nintendo DS. I play alot of puzzle and word games. (Brain Age, Crosswords, Sudoku) It relaxes me. Of course I have never heard the sounds to these games. So will the reverse be true. Will I be able to play these games with the sound on. Only time will tell, IN NINE DAYS!!!!!!!

There is so much more that I want to say. But it must wait till tomorrow. It is very late and Jay is begging me to come to bed so he can sleep.

I have my taster back

Hi all...One of the side effects to having cochlear implant surgery is that sometimes they touch a nerve that controls the tasting ability in your tongue. This is a minor thing, but it affects they way things taste. It is a temporary thing so dont freak out, it only last for a week or two. It also effects different people different ways. In my case it felt like EVERYTHING I put in my mouth was burning my tongue. Even drinking water had this effect. It was very annoying. Well this morning I realized that I could taste again. YIPEE.........I CAN TASTE MY MT DEW AGAIN!!!!! And I can eat again and not have by tongue feel like it's on fire.

Today was also the first time I could comfortably wear my glasses again. What a relief!!! I can now sit in my comfy spot on the wrap-around couch and see the captions on the tv again. And it is so much easier to lip-read when I can see the person. So overall this has been quite an awesome day for me.

I also think that tomorrow I'm gonna call my audiologist and see if I can move my activation date up. I know the answer will probably be no, but hey it cant hurt to try. My incisions feel much much better and I am quite anxious to hear. Or at least be on my way to retraining my brain to hear. Keep your ears crossed that they will let me move my appt up to this Thursday instead of the next Thursday. I will let ya know.

I am now a bionic woman

Surgery is FINALLY over with. I don't remember alot about the day itself. I do know that I didnt sleep at all the night before surgery. Not even a wink. I had to be at the hospital at 6:15am and I know that I had literally been up for 22 hours straight. I remember walking into the hospital and I remember talking to Jay and our pastor and his wife. After that not much of anything.



So now it's 2 days later and I am EXTREMELY SORE!!!!! Sometimes I have some sharp pains where my incisions are, but mostly it's just a nagging soreness, which I'm told is completely normal. I have been sleeping in the recliner so I can keep my head elevated. I'm hoping in a few days I will feel much better and be able to go back to sleeping in my nice warm bed. If I can get past this sore throat (probably sore from the breathing tube they put down your throat while your in surgery) and the soreness in my head I will have it made.



I just can't believe that in a few short weeks I will be able to hear again. I was afraid that the next few weeks would drag on forever, but I'm not to worried about it now. By the time I feel 100% again it will be time to get my external processors.

Tomarrow is THE DAY

Well....I'm takin a moment to post here cause this will probably be the last time I'm able to before surgery tomorrow. Jay took today off to help me make sure everything is in order around here. My best friend Linda and her hubby and kids are gonna be watchin the kids for us tomorrow. I'm so nervous I just want tomorrow to be over with. I just keep tellin myself tomorrow is the worst of it. After that it's all uphill. The worryin is about over.

Two days to go....this is getting interesting folks..

Two more days to go. I'm so incredibly nervous. I've gotten the house in as much order as you can with 2 kids and a hubbie runnin about. I hope I have remembered all the suggestions that my friends on hearing journey have given me. I'm excited that the day is finally here......but I worry about surgery. My biggest hopes right now are

1) The implants can be inserted without an complications.

2) That I don't get vertigo.

3) That I dont experience to bad of tinnitus (that is ringing or phantom nosies in your head).

4) That I dont ralph in recovery.

5) That I have everything ready at home.

It felt like this day would never come, now I'm like HOLY CRAP where did the time go.
But on the bright side, the worst part of this whole adventure will be on Thursday. After that it's all uphill from there. And in a few short weeks (hopefully this time will pass quickly) I will be hearing again. I keep tellin myself that these few days of surgery and recovery is well worth it to be able to hear again.

Josie is really excited that they are finally gonna give me "my ears". She's not quite sure why I wont be able to hear right away......but she knows that they must do this before I can hear. She is very excited that she will help daddy take care of mommie and Toby. This part is gonna be hard for me. I'm use to bein able to take care of everyone's needs. You women out there know what I'm talkin about. Mommie where are my shoes.......mommie i need a drink......mommie I lost my sock.......honey where are my keys........honey do I have any clean underwear. I'm not sure I can "just sit" and not be up takin care of things.

But we will find out all the answers to these questions in less than 48 hours. This is gettin interestin folks. :0)

One week to go......oh my.

Hey.....7 days from now my surgery will be over with and I should be in the recovery room. I'm so nervous I could spit. I'm tryin to get my house all in order so it wont be a mess when I get home. And right now it seems like the more I work on the house the messier it gets. I'm driving myself nuts. Josie is worried about surgery. She wants to go up with us. I wish I could let her, but we hafta get up REALLY early to get to the hospital on time, and if she is there she will just worry. She is quite the worry wort for being all of 6 years old.

I wander what the world sounds like. I have seen other people say that when you have your external processor and finally get your "ears turned on" that it is extremely noisy. I wonder if things will sound the way I remember. Well I have to say I really don't remember alot about what things sound like. I know that sounds silly.....but it's true. I dont remember what Jay sounds like or anyone else for that matter. I just wanna hear it.

If I can just get thru surgery and recovery everything else will be uphill. I know I'm just rambling....but I just cant help myself.

Ten more days.

Well....It's finally Febuary. Barely. Ten more days and I will be heading to Carle Hospital for my surgery. It seems far away, but I have SOOOO many things to do to get the house and everyone ready. I'm sure the time will just FLY by. Tomarrow I'm gonna start some serious extra cleaning on the house. I'm gonna try to do spring cleaning early so the house will be in tip top shape and mabe I wont worry about it so much. I'm not sayin Jay can't take care of the house. But sometimes men and women have a different opinions about housecleaning and as all women know we all have our own certin querks about how things should be done around the house. So I figure if I get everything in order I can just let Jay take over till I'm 100% again.

We went to town yesterday and I got some things that I know we will need after surgery. Hydrogen Peroxide.....button down shirts (so I wont hafta pull shirts over my head since I'm sure it will be sore for awhile)......neck pillow.......and such and so forth. It really hit me yesterday that this is really gonna happen. In alittle over a month I will get my processors and I will hear.

I have been worryin alot lately........this is kinda normal for me......but I've been a bit more worrysome than usual, or so Jay says. What if I get my hearing and it's too much? Will it ever seem normal? Will my brain even be able to relearn to hear? I know these sound like such silly questions, but they are valid questions. I'm not very good with change, good or bad. Dont get me wrong I cope and adapt, and after awhile the changes become normal to me and things calm down again. Four years ago I had no clue how I was ever gonna be able to function in my life as a deaf person. But over time I learned little tricks to help me get by and then these little tricks became apart of my normal life. Like well placed mirrors around the house give me a heads up when someone's behind me. And I know that hearing with a cochlear implant isn't "normal" hearing. Now don't get me wrong, I DO want to hear again......even if it is a bit different from normal hearing.........I guess I'm just worrying about everything right now.